This week started out fairly usual. Monday, a day to troop off to work, mentally psyching myself for the first five-day week in weeks as I drive through heavy traffic. Too many holidays peppered across the first quarter of this year does get one down!
By Tuesday, I was quite ill. The cough that started with a sore throat on Dec. 31 hasn't gone away but on Feb. 12, it was back with a vengeance. Looking back, it must have been a stressed-out me that made me just keep goading Shaw Feng about his Facebook life, something I only found out last week. By Tuesday morning, he was not a happy camper. Neither was I. The cough made me irritable and the more agitated I was, the more I went for a fight.
A big row I got all right. Heart thumping, fingers tensed, jaw clenched, I was a real pain. Shaw Feng wasn't far off when he called me mad. This is only what I'd admit on hindsight. I was so self-centred that I didn't apologise for subjecting him to what I deem a necessity. I was so obsessed in finding the causes of our miscarriage, of staying healthy, that I only got myself into a downward spiral. And so I hurt him for months. My apology is here, Sweetie. I'm ashamed of myself.
I was relieved when we managed to at least come face-to-face to agree on being in a row. Next stop, after making my way to Cyberjaya to do that, I went off the the doctor's.
This was where it really hit me. After taking the prescribed medication (a cocktail of steroids and antibiotic), I drove away and within minutes was wondering what it'd be like to just careen off the railings while taking a sharp corner. It wasn't a thought that says: I want to kill myself.
It was simply, what if just twist the steering wheel to the right while taking a corner to the left.
I was more than a little shell-shocked. Driving into a housing area, I parked the car by the road side and called Shaw Feng. Just what he needed! After a whole morning of dealing with a stalker of a wife, he's now hearing me say I'm depressed. I felt like I was not in my own body. Telling me to go shopping and my replying that I couldn't must have driven home the point to him that I was not myself. Look, I'm a sworn shopaholic! I shop when I'm down, I shop when I'm overworked, stressed and I splurge when I'm happy.
That poor husband of mine had to spend more than an hour speaking to me over the phone after losing sleep the night before, dealing with my numerous calls in the morning. He deserves better. Actually, no, sweetie. You have enough on your hands with me than to look around, don't you? ;)
The happy part, I must report, was that I became more ill. I get to be home then. It was time spent talking more to my spouse, listening to him when he speaks. Hugs for Kayrin also worked wonders in mending my relationships.
With a minimum of 10 hours at work a day (more often than not, its 11 hours), and two hours of commute, I'm left with little to bring home to Shaw Feng and Kayrin. That means, coming home to them and reminding him to file his letters, pay the bills (hey, I have my share too), supervise the maid, entertain baby and inspect her homework (another big source of stress for me when the year started). And for her, I was anything but a playmate. Snapping turtle of a mom was more like it.
Yak, yak, yak (Shaw Feng reads 'nag, nag, nag').
Withe being ill, I mentally tried to slow down. Holding back my retorts when Shaw Feng speaks means I actually found that the man does have great ideas and solutions! I pride myself on being very independent but that doesn't mean I always have to be the one on top! What a relevation.
And we even spent a whole day with each other: Breakfast at a hole-in-the-wall kind of coffee shop, tea/coffee at Starbucks (knowing how cheap I am, that's a pretty rare occurrence), shopping for a very expensive timepiece (which we haven't gotten our hands on), catching a movie, enjoying lunch and best of all, holding hands and not taking a single call on the phones. Wow. What a way to celebrate our 20th Valentine's Day.
What's more, the nights were more fun too, with, ermmm, lots more activity. Oh, we're just an *old* married couple. Familiarity can lead to some extended excitement! I'd better stop here before this gets rated.
This is a reminder and a wake-up call to me, at the end of the day. Channelling too much of myself to my job (which I love to bits, I must say) can only kill me by hurting the very ones I thought I'm working so hard for: Shaw Feng and Kayrin.
There will be days when the shadow is all we see. But if there weren't any cast around, how are we to see how beautiful sunlight is.
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