Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

Another year wraps up. I took a tumble early on New Year's eve. Didn't need to raise my glass to bid auld lang syne to 2009 before I was on my knees. It all happened on my way to the gym for the last time this year. I lost my concentration the split second I was about to step down a flight of five steps. Next I know, I had landed on my butt and an officer in charge of more than 100 people who must have heard me moaned was asking if "ma'am's all right?" Yes, I'm fine and happy new year, I chirpirly replied. The butt now hurts. Especially the left butt cheek, for landing right on the edge of a marble step.
What's a tumble compared with the troubles of 2009! This year is marked by troubles at home. Tumultous times between the father-in-law and mother-in-law. Bad enough that Kayrin was left to be sent to school by her teacher after having her grandfather ferry her for about 1 1/2 years. The squabble spread, splitting the family in many ways. It also made me realize that there wasn't much I could have done to keep my own parents together when trouble brewed between them when I was in my early-20s. As an adult in the late 30s, I couldn't even patch up the divide between MIL and FIL. For all my efforts, I became MIL's public enemy No. 1.
A thud on the butt is a good reminder as any that in the coming year, I'll take charge of my family, because no one is able to keep my marriage in good shape if not for SF and myself. Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

School

"I like my school," Kayrin told me today after her orientation at Sri Sedaya, which she went to with Daddy.
Best words I've heard in weeks! After months and months of agonising over which school to send Kayrin to, which type of school she goes to (Chinese-medium versus the National-type-in-a private-school), she seems happy with what we've picked.
I thought it was hard to choose which brand of milk formula to give her after I stopped breastfeeding. This is a lot tougher!
I hope her fondness for school remains. I don't particularly remember liking the five schools I had attended all my life, except for may be Sekolah Menengah Convent Butterworth. I spent five years there, the longest I'd been in a school, so that probably explained my affinity for it.
There was Sekolah Kebangsaan Baling, SKB. The kids called it sekolah kandang babi. Never felt like I belonged there. I was the only Chinese kid there till Woan and Lyan started school. Then there was three of us Chinese kids in a school of Malays. And a handful of Indians and Thais.
In 1980, we moved to Butterworth. SRK Convent Butterworth was fun, especially its library of Enid Blyton books. Sure did inspire me to read. Mrs. Wong the librarian was the best in inspiring us to devour those story books.
Then there was Sekolah Menengah Convent for five years, with teachers who inspire me to write. Puan Lee Mee Lin, in Form 1, allowed us to write and dedicated time to us asking silly questions . We could remain anonymous by dropping questions into a box placed in class. One student asked what VD was! Anothr asked how we could mourn the death of the Challenger astronauts.
Then, I got sent to Sekolah Menengah Tinggi Bukit Mertajam for Form 6. Didn't last more than three months at HSBM but through the people there, I met, fell in love and married a true-blue HSBM alumni.
Sekolah Menengah Datuk Onn was the nearest school to home I ever had. I'd walked there and home.
May Kayrin have a great time at Sri Sedaya, make friends she remembers and be inspired to live life fully because of her experience there. Happy schooling, darling.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Mother, Only by Law

Life at home has been chaotic since the middle of this year. This time, I must say, I have not much of a hand in it in the first place. Now, it seems to me that I'm the central, focus point of this family trouble that started with the mother-in-law and father-in-law having a fight over money.
When the rows began, I tried to stay neutral, patch them together. I assumed that I could help. Right-ho, the first thing I always say about assuming is this -- making an ass out of you and me. If I had wondered why I didn't do enough to patch my parents together way back in the 1990s, those anguish were sort of put to rest after what I attempted with the in-laws. I tried talking to the mother-in-law, all in vain. Actually not. It turned me into her public enemy No. 1. She's caused SF to stop talking to his dad, and now she's wont on worsening relations in my home.
I'm sinking into a big hole of unhappiness. I'm one to talk things through. Even when SF and I fight, we trashed things out. We may raise our voices, but we talk things over and we get through it. But how does one discuss the issues at hand, that mother-in-law has only bad things to say about me behind my back, without making the old lady put on a show of being the world's most victimised person? She does fainting spells when things don't go her way.
Her anger is seen by all around her. Her unhappiness is well known. My only prayer is not to go down her path. Not to internalize all these angst and years later, implode and accuse SF of not taking up my case. I need to see things from a different view. But wait, the view's blocked because she's impeding it.
I need to de-stress. Poor Kayrin has already been the brunt of my unbridled temper lately and can't understand why I won't speak to her grandmother over the phone.
I'm sure one day I'll come back to this and read this post and no longer want to scream myself hoarse. May be one day I'll stop having pretend conversations with the old lady where she is civil and agree nicely that she will stop making me out as the evil one.
Not everyone thinks highly of me. If SF and Kayrin do, I guess that should be sufficient.
How apt that this was on the Daily Bible Verse today.
"A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating." Proverbs 18:6