Merry Christmas

This Christmas marks the second one Woan is spending in Heaven! We miss you so Woan. This Christmas, Shaw Feng, Kayrin and I trooped to Glad Tidings Church with ma and Wei. Very nice service as it didn't have too many performances. I hate those with dragged-on dramas.
After that, KE and Ivan joined us for the drive to Nilai Memorial Park to lay flowers for Woan, saying a prayer that she's now enjoying beautiful flowers up in Heaven. The skies broke not too long after, so we left and SF, Kayrin and I made our way to Kajang to Audrey's Christmas party.
For Chrismas, I gave SF a book and a key holder. And I got a D80 Nikon camera in return! Ooops.

Fear

Turn away
while I find the will
to accept what's come this day.
Will I
ever muster the strength
to hold my head high
and face the sun.
When, inside, all I want
is to hide.
Cuddled up
In the darkest corner
every drop
is just but one tear
washing away all my pride.
And hopefully, my fear.

A Poem

This was in an e-mail from the brainstem chat group. It's sad but comforting at the same time, especially as I miss Woan so this Christmas. Lyan reminded me yesterday, while laying flowers for Woan, that she's been gone almost a year and a half. But it's still very painful to be thinking of her leaving us.

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he
had battled four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his
mom before he died. His name was Ben.

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing
or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear

Remember,
I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Boy Scout

Shaw Feng was so much into boy-scouting activities as a teenager (before I knew him) that by the time we met, I was more than half amused that he could be so excited about what he used to do, those knots, those camping days. What use are those experiences in life, I'd ask myself. Not going to fetch you the big bucks. No one hires you for your boy-scout badges, right?
Then we got married and set up home, and me, with my tenderfoot Girl Guide badge to show, could do nothing much for the house! I could climb up the stairs to clean the fans. But when they start giving that "kreng-kreng" noise when switched on, I pretend I don't hear them.
Yesterday, Shaw Feng fetched the ladder, and in about 45 mins, fixed all four ceiling fans on the first floor. Whoa, was I impressed. He only dropped once a wrench-like tool from about 9 feet up.
Then, wrapping up the show, he realized he couldn't find a missing part for that wrench-like tool. (OK, OK, I don't know my tools. I only know wrench because 4-year-old Kayrin pointed out what a wrench was.)
It was spinning on top of the bedroom fan. Quite safe, of course, stuck to the inner parts of the fan. He's still my hero for the day, for the weekend. I wouldn't have known right away which fan I left bits n pieces of tools in. Thank goodness for a boy scout. And oh, Shaw Feng has to tie all knots at home.

Thank Goodness for a Spouse

More a case of thank goodness for my spouse, actually! I write a bit about the environment, a bit more about my angst, even more about my wonderful four-year-old daughter. But with the other half, hmm, I hardly do. Not that he's insignificant. In fact, this is to say "thank you", albeit in a cheap way!
Kayrin came down with a cold on Monday evening, and by Tuesday morning, I was zombied out from a night of interrupted sleep. Shaw Feng nudged me that morning and said he'd take Kayrin to the doc that day. I couldn't have done anything that day except drag myself to work and try to stay awake with a pounding head. SF then proceeded to stay home with her. Well, he was the perpetrator of the cold, actually. I was pretty happy with myself for not nagging. Ooops, sorry, forgotten there that this entry ain't about thankin' my good old self. So, not-so-naggy me makes for happy family, and thank goodness for another parent. Two parents to a kid makes it a pain at times when we can't agree on how to feed a kid but at other times, it's the best place to be -- only your spouse will roll his eyes with you when your kid declares she's had enough of her parents and wants to move out.

Swimming...

lessons it is for Kayrin. She went to her trial class on Dec. 1. And that's after chickening out of her initial one a week earlier.
So we started the Saturday morning by tentatively mentioning swimming but not wanting to discuss too much about it. She was apprehensive when we got to the pool and told the administrator that, "I'm nervous."
But 5 minutes of looking around at kids in goggles and swimming attire and the inviting pool on a clear, beautiful day, she decided she wants to change into her swimsuit too. She looks so cute in her arena swimming cap! I know I'm biased but all little girls are so cute being so chubby in their swimwear. They are shaped like potatoes, with bulging tummies when in their gear. But oooohh, so cute are they that even Ms Hilton in her two-piece couldn't compete!
Bernard the swim instructor had Kayrin and Vishagan (a 4-year-old boy) walk around the submerged edge of the pool, got them to play with some water rockets, and got them to do some breathing exercises. I was more nervous than the kids, I think. And so 45 mins flew by. Kayrin was hesitant about leaving the pool. So we paid a deposit and promised to be back. It's 900 ringgit for 24 lessons. Very expensive, my thought when I first rang them a month ago. But now I think, how very worthwhile since I have not the patience to teach!

More Rallies?

There's a mail going around saying that there will be more street rallies in Kuala Lumpur in the month of December. That bothers me not. What is worrying is the action of the Royal Police force in mounting road blockades into the city days before the previous rally on Nov. 25. Days! And so from 6:30 a.m. onwards, traffic is at a crawl about 18 kilometers from the city centre. It's not as if anyone broadcasting publicly could even announce pompously, "Please take public transport." There's no option, really. In the nine years since the 1998 Commonwealth Games, when there was a flurry of activities to build the LRT, what have been put up since then? The monorail was revived. Note, revived after being delayed for years. So here we are, still driving one to a car into the city. Unless you are important enough to have a driver. Then it's you and your driver. Or if you're even more important, with some outriders.
Yesterday, at 7:30 p.m., with a drizzle following hours of rain, it was chock-a-block traffic along Jalan Tun Razak, coming into the city. I was heading out, and saw the blue beacon flashing away in the opposite direction. No sirens, to bigshot's credit. But one outrider was about 3 car-length ahead of the limousine, and he was pointing at a stationary Kancil, directing the car to move however many inches away to the side. And this was where four cars were abreast in a two-lane road. Don't get it? Come accompany me on my drive home from the majestic twin towers one evening. You pick the time, I'll drive. Better be one to enjoy my company or my kind of music (Norah Jones for now), cos two weeks ago, it was 50 minutes from the KLCC car park to the end of a less-than-1km-tunnel out of the carpark. Have a good weekend!

Sayings, Fuel, Police

Theirs is not to ask why, theirs is to do and die.

What a saying eh? This is how I feel at work somedays. Like today. When a higher ranking person wanted the first paragraph written a certain way. I said no. He said I can protest to my direct boss and the direct boss can deal with him. Arrogance at its peak? It was all very polite though. The higher-ranking person does respect my views but today he was stubborn, adamant. So was I. hahaha. So I did as he told me to but didn't proceed to publish the item. I went back to him and he budged when I showed how silly we'd all look (albeit done in a nice way) if we go with the first suggestion. So, then, I got my way. No chest-thumping victory. But sometimes we just have to find our way of getting things done without shouting. It's a good reminder to myself, because at home and outside the home, I do that a lot.
This morning, I raised my hand and "shouted" at the policemen at the roadblock by pressing on my car horn. They were causing congestion on the roads at 6:45 a.m. Trying to deter people from coming to work, I ask? No, to prevent subversive characters from coming into the city, before a rally this Sunday. What brilliance!
Remember, traffic congestion means time lost, gasoline and diesel being burned up for nothing. More fuel used means increased government petroleum subsidy. Now, tell me, who's forever nagging us on how Malaysia's paying a ballooning amount for fuel subsidies? Go figure.

Happy Birthday, Woan, Lyan!

Happy, happy birthday, Woan, Lyan. I'm sure that Woan is having an even more-fun celebration up in heaven! We miss you, Woan.

Yellow

If Myanmar went red,
in Malaysia we put on yellow
Not just for show
it is but one way to go
to see if they'd listen
and heed the call to reason.

Weekend Parenting

The weekend's just over. And it was another usual weekend for us. Staying at home. Doing our usual weekend shopping. Figuring what to eat for breakfast, which is relatively easy if you ask Kayrin. Roti canai, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing else.
But the weekend is also a `flamable' time. Lots of shouting, crying, temper tantrums and eventually, sulks.
Saturday mornings often start off mild enough. Just like the Saturday past. Kayrin and I sleep in a bit, till about 7:30 a.m. Having slept past her usual 6:30 a.m. wake-up time, she will miss out on her afternooon nap. And hence, when dinner time arrives, she's tired and cranky. Bath time turns into a time of bribes, threats, persuasion and raised voices. This sometimes carry on till bedtime. So that was how we ended Sunday. Yesterday, it was a cranky Kayrin not willing to fall asleep yet, a riled Shaw Feng shouting at her and an exasperated me trying to calm Kayrin down and tick Shaw Feng off.
All in, a wonderful weekend. No doubt about that. Weekend parenting is fun when we have a 4 1/2-year-old who told me that she ``and daddy have a secret'' cos they watched TV till late on Saturday night..they were bonding over sunflower seeds and some programme over the History channel, me thinks.

Michael Bublé - Everything

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

This is too wonderful. As good as Bette Midler's "Wind Benneath My Wings" from the 80s.

Wan Tan Mee

I've loved wan-tan-mee as far back as I could remember. I probably got hooked when I was about six, living in Baling. This was such a small town that there was no children playground or public library. It had a hospital, a cinema, 2 main streets, a post office, a police station, several schools, a Bank Rakyat branch, a wet market.
And the wan-tan-mee stall was along the lane leading to the wet market. The stall was on the right, while another stall that sells fried noodles, sar hor fun and was right across from it. We'd go to the wan-tan-mee stall for breakfast some weekends, and the sar hor fun one on evenings once in while as treats.
Wan tan mee those days in Kedah and Penang was of the tough, stringy yellow noodle-kind. So tough that I've almost choked many times when I've bitten more than I could chew. Yet I loved it. The challenge to eat the noodles gets me going. So in love was I with the noodles that I would save and save for a bowl. This was in Kuala Ketil, ah kong's place. There was a push-cart stall just across the road, in that little lane next to the dark-wood shop that sells all kinds of junk food for kids. The stall sells the perfect wan-tan mee, in the opinion of a scrawny six-year-old with limited exposure to culinary treats. So, there I was, saving every 10 sen ah kong and ah ma gave me for my own bowl of noodles. One time, after having saved 60 sen or 80 sen, I celebrated by asking Pa to order me a bowl. Pa left the money under a ceramic 'cockerel' bowl on the front table of ah kong's coffee shop. When the noodles arrived, we flipped the bowl to find the money gone. I was traumatised. That's how that memory stayed with me till now. Well, Pa forked out the money for that bowl of noodles. No longer remember how it tasted like but to me, wan tan mee from that Kuala Ketil pushcart stall will never be surpassed by any other!

Conversations

I often wonder what kids think. Of their parents, their surroundings. And having a kid at home that talks very well is so fun because I get a window into her thoughts! A snippet of the weekend's conversation with Kayrin:

Kayrin: Mommy, when I grow up I want to go and study in the U.S.
(pointing to the large world map on the wall).
Me: Ohh, OK. (praying for a strengthening of the ringgit).
Kayrin: I want to go to High School Musical 2.

*********************************************

Kayrin: Let's play a game, mommy.
Me: OK.
Kayrin: You be dead and I'll be Jesus.

Food Hankering

I'm thinking about Japanese food to satiate me, as I sit here, not yet done after more than 10 hours of working straight through without a break. Tonkatsu (pork deep-fried with batter) would be greatly appreciated now. The piece of tender pork is served with a large heap of shaved cabbage, and a thick, dark kind-of-sweet sauce. To eat the tonkatsu, pound the fragrantly-roasted sesame seeds and pour in the dark sauce. Then dip the tonkatsu in that sauce and bite into the succulent piece. Ummmmm. There's another vinegar-tasting clear dribble for the cabbage. The combination is awesome. And oh, there's a bowl of sticky rice to go with it all too. I always overeat when I get to that tonkatsu restaurant in Marunouchi Building, Tokyo.

Tokyo is now my most-visited foreign destination, and I'm starting to realize the potential this place holds. There are great shopping, even amidst the super-expensive Ginza. Uniqlo is my favourite. A big store of at least 4 stories, the selection of casual wear is amazingly cheap! The brand has been called the "Gap of Japan." At Uniqlo, sweaters were even cheaper than what we get here in Malaysia. And the range is amazing..I confess: I made three trips there over the five nights I spent in Tokyo in November 2006. I came home with two below-the-knee-length winter jackets for myself, two colourful sweaters for Shaw Feng, two knitted sweaters for I-haven't-decided-who, and a pair of cut-offs for myself. Who'd think Tokyo would make for great shopping eh?

Outrage

I said a prayer yesterday for the family of a man who lost his life when he was set upon by carjackers at a gasoline retail station. The poor man was just having his car filled up at 5:30 a.m. when three men bashed him up and drove off with his car. On the ground, bleeding, he activated his immobilizer. The car stalled within the station compound and the furious assailant broke a window, climbed out of the car and came to drag the victim back into the car before bludgeoning him.
To be sure, I am lucky enough not to have witnessed this horror but Wei seems traumatized enough after having to review the CCTV recording. The station was under her charge.
As in the senseless killing of lots of other people, including poor eight-year-old Nurin Jazlin, the question I want to ask is: Why isn't the government making this country a safer place than it was a decade ago, a generation ago?
And my other rant: those community radio services telling parents to NOT send their kids to pasar malam, shops and wherever on their own but to watch their kids closely. Sensible parents don't want to lose their kids. Please use the air space for something better. Pass the message to the leaders that kids want to play outside.
Does it occur to our esteemed leaders that perhaps they should make our country a place where we all can walk around without having to keep looking back, whether for bag-snatchers or carjackers or kidnappers?
I'm OUTRAGED.

Annie Lennox

I used to find Ms Lennox's androgynous dressing hard to accept when I first heard of her music and laid eyes on her in 1984. That was the year I had to take a school bus after the freedom of taking the public bus to school a year earlier. And the school bus driver, a rather young rougish uncle had fancied playing the Grammy award nominees' music day in day out. So there were..
1) Beat It by Michael Jackson (I didn't find it that inspirational)
2) Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics (Failed to get the message)
3) Uptown Girl by Billy Joel (Thought it was cute and has a snappy tune)
4) Karma Chameleon by Boy George (now, his cross dressing I find amusing and the song I loved singing to)
That's all I can recall for now. But now I find Ms. Lennox's voice spine-chilling sometimes and her songs great. Her rendition of `A Whiter Shade of Pale' is perfect in that she does it her way but what is simply haunting is `No More I Love Yous'. So here I am, Ms. Lennox, a fan after more than two decades of first hearing strains of your lilting voice.

Friendship

Friends come and go, according to the wise, old folks. I've had many of my friendships fizzle out. Sometimes due to my moving away, friends migrating and at times, by our growing apart. Through the years, I've always believed that women are better at forging friendships that last. But I realize it's a misconception that I have.


Shaw Feng's friendship with Heng Hou outlasts all of mine. They've known each other and stood by one another for a longer time compared with my relationship with Shaw Feng. And yes, Shaw Feng and I dated more than a decade before we got married.


It makes me ponder what friendships are about. I figure this is what it means:


Knowing who you can call when you're in a fix, even if you haven't had a chat or coffee to catch up in the past 12 months.


So here's a toast to the likes of Heng Hou, whose friendship has "spilled over", and is someone I know can call upon, for anything!

Money Tips

I'd like to think I'm pretty money-savvy. OK, may be when I'm not undergoing retail therapy, buying four pairs of the same kind of shoes, three tees of the same design. In different colours, mind you.

At other times, I'm very happy punching in the figures to see how much of interest savings I'm getting by pre-paying my mortgages. Definitely not too complicated. Calculators abound. I get a kick out of plugging in bigger and bigger numbers under the pre-payment column and seeing interest payment dropping or payment period being shortened considerably!

Some mortgage calculators...

bloomberg

bankrate.com

Getting rid of that mortgage is worth crowing about, at least to the other half. Yup, I did a lot of self-praising and fished for them from Shaw Feng when the current mortgage was paid off in January this year.
Then, guess what, we tasted the financial freedom for a while and went off looking at bigger homes. Mmm, they are nice to look at but I keep pulling myself back into reality. Or at least I'm making Shaw Feng pull me back from going into debt again!

Kid Speak

Kayrin's latest fascination -- time. She wants to know what month and date it is, and can ask for it several times a day. But her sense of time is improving. Last week, she badgered her mah mah and me to bring her to Bukit Jalil Park. On the way there, she said to her grandmother in a mixture of cantonese and English (cantonese is in italics), "Yesterday, you said we could go to the park tomorrow. Tomorrow is today lor."
She's also speaking in English that isn't purely English anymore. Yesterday, Shaw Feng held her after her trip home in yeh yeh's car.
"Why is your face so cold," Daddy asked her.
"Because it kena air-cond."

Get a Perspective!

This makes me rethink what I think I need. Not much more, I'd say. Appreciate what you have, Shaw Feng says, is the message here.

http://www.miniature-earth.com/me_english.htm

...ah!

This past week, Kayrin started talking in a funny way. She adds the "ah?" to her sentences. So they sound like this..

Where are we going -- aah?
Why is it like this ahh?

We first noticed her inclination during our trip to Cameron Highlands last week. It was odd because we don't speak that way. Then I read that some kids go through this phase, just as Karen Cheng's kid did.
We'll see how long this phase lasts then.

Cameron on a SLR

Skimming the Clouds

I love this photograph. It's Kayrin being tickled pink by something Shaw Feng was doing or saying. I forgot what it was but the joy in her face stays captured here. We were at the Boh Tea Plantations in Sungei Palas, Cameron Highlands. The 3-day stay at Cameron Highlands Resort was wonderful (Oct. 4-6) despite the meal-time tantrums and struggles. The lovely, luxurious hotel was very quiet during the weekdays and we had very attentive waiters on hand to take care of our mealtime needs. Basudev was also good to mine for tips on where to go for the cheap and fresh vegetables -- the pasar malam, of course!

Books

I've been getting some reading done lately. No longer able to finish one novel in a night, I was put off for several years after the arrival of Kayrin, to even attempt starting any books. So, since 2003, it's been mostly reading to Kayrin when one mentions books.
But these past few months have gotten me back to books. Watching Shaw Feng devour book after book is also an inspiration.
I've gone on Mark Haddon's "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time," which scares Kayrin with its cover of a dog stabbed by a pitchfork. That took ages for me to complete. Months.
Then I took on "Marley," another "dog book," as I told Kayrin. That's still unfinished. Not much of a challenge but nothing too exciting.
Was it before or after that that I went on to the "Kite Runner," a sad one on life of a boy in Afghanistan.
And during my sick leave after the miscarriage, I started and completed "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."
Now, it's Mark Haddon's "A Spot of Bother." So far, so good. About the life of a family.
Here's a place for recommendations and reviews. Curled Up With a Good Book.

Malls versus Nature

When Kayrin moved back to KL, I told myself I wouldn't make her a mall rat. I didn't want a kid who hangs out at malls from the age of 2 (that's how old the little one was when we came home in April 2005).
In Singapore, with no luxury of a car, she and I went for long walks. Kayrin in a stroller and me pushing her around. We went all the way down the ECP, strolled down Siglap to the Siglap Linear Park, ventured to Bedok's nurseries, climbed pedetrian bridges to get to ECP and dawdled our way to beef noodles at Marine Parade.
Back home, there are cars to ferry us around. The old white Proton Iswara (WEG 2614) to start with, and graduating to the S40 and now in addition to the Volvo, the A-class. With these cars, we hardly push her out anymore. And I'm starting to realize how it's so much easier to drive into a covered car park, unload the stroller and push her into a place with temperate climate..25 degrees Celsius.
The other option is to go in search of nature..farther away, hotter, more humid and possibly infested with mosquitoes. And forget not, the lack of clean toilets! Urgh. What is green, great jungles without strategically positioned toilets for nature's calls! Here's a challenge to myself then, to get away from these malls a little. Let's see what I can achieve in the next four days, when I get a break!

Walk the Talk

What an awesome sight and one to warm the hearts too, to see the legal fraternity march to the PM's Department in Putrajaya to hand over a memorandum demanding an investigation into the latest scandal in the community. Check out a first-hand experience here. http://www.nursamad.blogspot.com/
Perhaps there's hope yet for improvement in this country's judiciary.

Cheeky Baby

On Sept. 20, a Thursday, as I was lying in bed and contemplating the weekend. Kayrin and I had this exchange.

Me: What shall we do this weekend, darling?
The cheeky one: Be naughty.

Kids don't think being naughty is such a bad thing. They play and behave the way they want, free to test the limits we adults set. They are experimenting, socializing. With this in mind, I tried not to be too exasperated when she doesn't behave the way I want her to, such as being a neat freak. Who knows, in a few years' time, she'd turn into one on her own. And I'd get my revenge then -- she'd be nagging me to be less of a hoarder of old junk!

Weekends

I love the anticipation of weekends! The thought of waking up a little bit later than the usual 6 a.m., the family breakfast of roti canai (if Kayrin gets her way), the going to one of the hypermarkets to do our weekly grocery shopping. But most of all, on Fridays, I start thinking ambitious. That means I think I'll get around to bringing Kayrin to the pool, play with her at the playground and spend meaningful time with her.

These days, what happens weekends are the struggle to get her to eat her meals at a faster rate. Yes, anything but the motion we go through to get her to chew, chew and swallow!

But it's Friday now, so I fret not.

A kiss on my daughter's head,

Another whiff of her baby smell

Makes me swim in happy thoughts;

And I thank God

for the hands I hold

Keeps me safe, makes my heart swell

Love is what makes it all worthwhile.

Full Circle

Go back a decade and more and there I was, too poor to buy the kind of lip-smacking food such as pistachios or eat at restaurants such as Lafite.
Now that I can afford them, I've my annual health checks' results to remind me not to overeat these rich foods. It is amazing how I now have to watch the heart more than the pockets.
This came to me as pictures of roasted cashewnuts, Haagen-Dazs and Lindts chocolate stare out at me from an Isetan brochure.

Knock, Knock

Kayrin loves knock-knock jokes and today she simply made SF and me bellow out in laughter with one of her own!
"Knock, knock," she says.
"Who's there?" I asked.
"Booger."
"Booger who?"
"Booger eater."

She stuns me every now and again. She makes me laugh on a grey day. Had the d&c this morning and this is the best antidote from my baby darling!

Cheer Me Up

The ones to cheer me up
When it all comes falling down
Their love is without doubt
Erasing my frown.

Crashing

I'm reminded now of how fragile life can be, how fast things can turn. 24 hours ago, all was fine, so I thought. In a short visit, it all came crashing down. I feel like curling up to go to sleep and not know anything.

Michael Bublè - Everything

Buble-fied

Kayrin just loves this Michael Buble song. She asks for it to be repeated non-stop in the car. And she sings to it with her binky in her mouth! Here's to Everything that you are to mommy and daddy, darling baby girl.


Michael Buble - Everything

You're a falling star,
You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.
And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.
[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.
And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.
[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, LaSo, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy timesIt's you, it's you,
You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

MIL..

the incredible! I'm a happy camper today. MIL made me lunch to bring to work after I whined (just a bit, really) about how the lunch at work makes me really ill after i gobbled them down. If I don't eat, I feel really famished. And after I've eaten, I feel awful from all that grease. So today, MIL was all ready with a big container of rice and vege and tofu-fried-with-minced-pork when I wanted to leave for work at 6:30 a.m.! Isn't that wonderful of her? She's really nice. Too bad I ate everything before it occurred to me to take a picture of my brunch and late lunch. I split the meal into two, eaten at 11 a.m. and 2:30 pm. ;)

Yo-Yoing

My weight isn't just gaining. Yesterday, I stepped on the scale at the gym before my yoga class and it says 48 kg. Weird. Praying that baby 2 is all right.

Sept. 3: 49 kg

Seven Weeks

Seven weeks and counting! ;) This is wonderful news. I'm less shocked compared to the first round, when we're expecting Kayrin. But it still takes quite a while for things to sink in. I bought the test kit on Aug. 10, and did the test that evening, showing Kayrin too.
Fast forward to this week, where we spent the beginning of the week in Singapore, and Kayrin is so psyched into being the big sister that she refused to be addressed as "baby" anymore!
"Don't call me baby. I'm a cher-cher," she said.
And yesterday evening, seeing me get ready for my shower, she told me, "Hold baby tight, don't let her fall out of your stomach."
This morning at the gym, I got on the weighing scale: 50 kg.
That's a 2 kg increase from about 2 weeks ago. Better slow down my food consumption. I now eat to mask the metallic taste whereas during the first pregnancy, I avoided food in the first trimester because of the taste.

Go Figure!

Kayrin had read exactly those words, the title of a cheesy Disney film, when the words came on at the start. I was stunned! She left shortly after the movie started, to go upstairs with daddy. I stayed on and watched it, about a teenager wanting to be a world-class ice skater.
Back to reading. Kayrin has been reading for a few months now. She can differentiate between "on" and "no." Makes me so proud.
She's also wanting to learn the meaning of some words. Yesterday, it was "honeymoon," because daddy said those photos she was looking at were photos 0f mommy and daddy honeymooning at Pangkor Laut Resort.
Here's how the conversation went..
Kayrin: What's honeymoon?
Me: It's a period where people think they've found someone they love, and that it's a perfect world. It is, for a while. So that's why, when people say honeymoon period, it means people are happy and not hit by reality yet.
Kayrin: Is there any honey?

Blogs

Why do we so love reading blogs? Must be because it's like peering into someone's diary? That's how I feel when I trawl people's blogs for links to blogs they read.
It's like I'm trespassing on others' privacy, reading their thoughts. Then again, they put their jottings down on sites where the whole wide world, or anyone with an access to the Web, could read. I'm not prying then, right? Tell me what you think, if you happen to stumble onto this site!
I've left my jottings on the site of at at least one other person, to encourage her to continue her battle against lung cancer. There are a lot of brave souls out there and it's not so bad if I manage to find some and send them good karma their way, even if I'd only found out about them via their blogs.

Being Malaysian

I loathe to defend this country. This, after all, is the country that treats me like a second-class citizen. But when others start saying how another country is better compared with MY country (note the brilliant me, with a pun on my and MY), I'd like to come to this country's defense a little.
Malaysians aren't the most courteous lot. But when it comes to "guan xi" (relations), we win hands down.
Yesterday, I was buried in my book while attempting to take a train home. Not paying attention to the complicated Ampang-train-now-Sri-Petaling-next, I hopped on and some 20 minutes later, looked up to see I'm in Cempaka station. Wrong station, wrong line. That means I have to pay, get out, cross to the opposite side of the train and pay again to make my way back to right station.
Instead, the guard let me out without my swiping my ticket and the other guard let me in without my paying too. How's that for great service. or the Malaysian touch. I wouldn't want them on my payroll if I was an employer but it was good for me as a passenger, a Malaysian.

Mr. Bean

Kayrin loves Mr. Bean shows, cartoons and his movie, Mr. Bean's Holiday. And of course, his iconic mini minor too. Yesterday, she had this conversation with daddy..
Kayrin: Daddy, I want a mini minor.
SF: Where are you going to get the money?
Kayrin: Can you give me the money?

This is rather amusing for now, and puts a smile on SF's face. Wonder how he'll take it when this conversation is repeated 20 years down the road.
Poor little Kayrin is now recovering from gastroentritis, which brought with it fever of as high as 40 degrees Celsius.

Woan's Anniversary

Dear Woan,
It's been a year since we last spoke. A year since I massaged your feet as you lay in bed. A year since you called me "cher."
We miss you terribly and the pain of losing you has come flooding back lately but as Lyan reminds me that we will be with you again one day. That comforts me, and serves as a wake-up call that I should appreciate my loved ones here every day, because I won't be here forever either. It's love that lives on when we're gone.
Well, Woan, I'm sure you're happy up there in heaven, where things are beautiful. You're a smart girl, learning to play the piano on your own, living on your own all the way in Seremban and Terengganu. ;) I shall recall our memories together, when we were growing up in Baling, in Butterworth, and share them with Kayrin and Ivan. She loves to hear stories of when we were kids. I haven't been telling Ivan but I'll do that starting now. That's all for now, we'll talk again, Woan. I miss you so much.

Cher

Lost in Translation

Things about Kayrin, age 4 years and almost 5 months:
1) She loves playing with make-up, and so SaSa is a must-enter, so that she can dip her fingers in the samples of eye colours. That means mommy has to carry her as she's too short to reach those display of magical, shimmery powder!
2) She adores her cousin Ivan, and would want to hold Ivan's hand when they are out together.
3) She attracts mosquitoes like ants are to honey!
4) She translates into Cantonese whatever phrases she knows in English, for the benefit of her mah-mah and yeh-yeh. Yesterday, back from Bukit Jalil Park, she told yeh-yeh that she just went to the park that has "mao-mao fish."
Sure cracks Shaw Feng and I up! It's her translation for catfish.
5) She's learned the phrase "funky," to my amazement. Two days ago, when showing her the gym clothes that I'd bought, she described one as "funky." Floored me, thoroughly.

Money in the Box

Yesterday, I came home early, and being hungry (and down with a sore throat), went straight to the dining table to see what's for dinner. As soon as I took off the food cover, I got the message: I haven't left any money in the money-box.
I went to check and the box was bare.
For dinner, it was a plateful of sardines, a small portion of cabbage fried with leftover roast pork i'd bought, and half a plate of ladies' finger. By 10 pm, my stomach was growling after all that work cleaning the air-cond and mopping the room and bathroom floor. Couldn't touch the sardines so it was a dinner that's bound to make the health-conscious part of me very proud.

Secret Date

A month ago, to the day, Shaw Feng and I went out on a date. No kidding! Just him and me. Leaving Kayrin at home with her "mah mah", we both pretended to be heading to work. What a way to steal some time together. We had breakfast at our hangout of years, chue yoke fun (pork noodles) at Kuchai Lama, then decided we're going for our first movie together in four years! We picked Hannibal Rising at Mid-Valley. The movie was a disappointment but at 11 a.m. on April 13, a Friday, we had only 2 other couples in the cinema. One couple was an aunty and uncle who looked like they are in their 50s or more.
The weirdest part was when we wanted to look around and window shop, we both went our separate ways for a while. Habits of the past four years, of having to shop on our own as the other minds Kayrin. How very odd!
All in, it was a wonderful day. And when I was feeling guilty, Shaw Feng was sweet enough to remind me I dedicate my weekends to Kayrin.

An Aunty, for Real

I'm an aunty, no doubting that fact anymore. I figure I've arrived at auntyhood when today, at Tesco, I went in search of the handgloves that aunties wear when driving. This being a tropical-weathered country, we could do little to avoid the sun bearing down hard on us from 9 a.m. to 6.45 p.m. daily. I know very well about the sun beating down on my skin because I'd be driving home before 7 p.m. As I gleefully tell anyone who cares to listen (that goes from Shaw Feng nine times out of 10, to the Mercedes-Benz service advisor), I start work at 7 a.m., way before most people have climbed out of bed.
I digress. Anyway, back to hand gloves. I've thought them a good idea but never saw the need for them, even when Woan told me about them many years back. But lately, I've noticed my watch leaving a strip of my left wrist fairer than the other part. That's a bit worrying, considering I'm in the office 7 t0 5 these days. Coming to the conclusion that it's the sun while I'm driving, coupled with seeing my doctor walk into the clinic one day with these hand gloves, I became convinced I needed my pair. They are almost like long socks but with cut-off toes. With garters on both ends, they stand in place. Mine has frilly white ends. Let's see how long I keep up with slipping them on. The real aunty will persist, I'd think. All for the sake of not having pigmentation.

Call Me...Later

At work today and I rang SF and Kayrin, who'd gone out for the cheeky one's favourite breakfast, roti canai. Kayrin managed to describe which Petronas gasoline station they've just driven into! So amazing, as she told me that "it's the new one, the big one, far away from the house, near golf (club), where we go swimming."
About three-quarters of an hour after the conversation, I rang home to chat with SF and her again. This time, she asked, "Why do you call me again?", and told mommy she's on her Dell Inspiron computer, which daddy bought and had arrived yesterday.
"You can call me later," Kayrin stated firmly before promptly putting the phone back in its cradle!

Bagging It

Shaw Feng bought me my most expensive handbag -- a beautifully embroidered Ipa-nima creation. The best part was actually how he drove us all to Lot 10 to look for the bag, and then sneaked away to buy it after I refused to make the purchase.

This strikingly bright soft hobo first caught my eye many months back, when I was walking around in Isetan KLCC. But no thanks to my wanting to think it through, I missed the promotion as the bags were there for just a few weeks before heading back to the boutique in Lot 10. Shaw Feng was sent on a hunt for the bag when he went to Hanoi on April 16.

What a lovely Mother's Day present this is! Thanks Sweetie.

Hot Lips

A couple of weeks ago, Kayrin pulled out a photo of daddy from his PDA case. A smart mommy that I am, I asked the cheeky one who that is.
"It's your hot lips," she said, without batting an eyelid.
Thanks to an Arthur book on Valentine, Kayrin knows what hot lips mean, and will often declare that she doesn't love mommy's hot lips some days.

Clothes

This wasn't a good day to start with. Shaw Feng reminds me to think of the pay cheque when things get bad at work. I enjoy dressing up so I guess that's where this job comes in fine..a chance to dress up to come to KLCC. I recall the time when SF brought me to The Weld in 1994, before he left for Australia, and being terribly awed by how the ladies dress for work. Never seen those power dressing or the smart garbs among the 'factory' crowd in Butterworth, even though a few stood out. I shall learn to live in the present. Enjoy each day. I could be looking back, if I get so lucky, at this period and wondered why I had not savoured every moment.

But it is so hard some days.
On moments like this
I just want to stay for a while
With no goodbyes to say.
And yet have the strength to walk away
with a wave and a smile.
And nary a care for
what lies beyond today.

Someone Knows

Some days, the grind of working is what it's described as -- a real slaving away with nothing much to achieve. Some days it feels like there's nothing to look forward to except for that pay day, which comes pretty early here, by the 22nd or the 24th most months.
On days like this, I think, why buy more clothes, why want a new home, why get a more expensive car. Why increase my liabilities and be tied to this job, this ingratiating place, the irritating boss.
And I get through days like this thinking about the money that comes in at the end of the day. Hence it irks me if anyone thinks that money comes falling out of the sky for me. I work hard for the money. I take on lots of nonsense before I get to enjoy what I earn. How dare anyone suggest money comes easy to me. Well, today, this aptly came on the Daily Bible Verse site. How coincidental is that? God knows! ;)

You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth.
Deuteronomy 8:17-18a.

I hand it all to God then. He knows and He has a plan. Just as He has a plan for Woan, whom I miss terribly these days.

Too Much Information

..can be dangerous.
Kayrin yesterday went into the operating theatre for the first time, with a pebble up her left nostril. A yellow one, about the size of those giant-sized kidney beans.
I just broke down when the anaesthetist knocked her out with general anaesthesia. She was so trusting, breathing into the mouthpiece as told by the nurse, garbed in her little green gown. She wanted to know why she's in green while the rest of us were in blue. Her curiosity amused everyone. Must be her curiosity too that got her to stuff that pebble up her nostril.
It all began at about 12:30 p.m. for me. For Shaw Feng, it started earlier. They were already in Sunway Hospital, with ENT specialist, Dr. Koay Cheng Boon, being summoned there.
Dr. Koay couldn't remove the pebble after a few tries, and decided that Kayrin needed GA to be able to have the offending object taken out. That started our wait for the procedure to take place at 4 p.m., about six hours after her breakfast in order for her to digest her roti canai.
It was a wonder to see her open her eyes after the surgery, and to immediately thank and wave away the anaesthetist, Dr. Tan. The cheeky girl, upon being wheeled back into Room 510, pronounced herself famished and asked for food. She sat on bed munching Jacob's cream crackers, keeping it all to herself, then moved over to the sofa to be with daddy. While eating, she asked, "Where are we going next?".

And my explanation of why this happened is, it began on Saturday, March 24. Kayrin woke up sniffling so we immediately shepherded her to her paediatrician's, where Kayrin insisted on no jab and no nose drop. Dr. Wong, ever patient, took out a diagram of the nose, mouth and ears, explaining that there are holes in the nose for the medicine to go in.
This, I think, prompted the little girl to want to `explore' her nose! After all, she's been playing with pebbles for months and months, since we had the fish pond installed in the little garden patch last year. Well, a little knowledge could be dangerous.

Thank God we could say that Kayrin recovered well. Though Shaw Feng figures he's now got a bit of a cold, something he caught when trying to suck out the pebble from Kayrin's nose.

Flab

I've banished all talk of confidence, especially after making my way to the gym yesterday and finding bulges all over when squeezing myself into a pair of exercise pants I had bought not long after having Kayrin.
I wish I could snap a picture and paste it next to one of the three computer screens I stare at 10 hours a day. That'd be a sure-fire way to stop me munching in times of dealing with bosses and conference calls.
Or I could be fired for indecent exposure.

Ironic

Being in the 30's can be quite fun most days. Being in my 30's means I have garnered the confidence to wear what I like, made enough money to allow some frivolous shopping and at the same time, realized that some `wants' can easily fade from my memory once the bags, shoes or clothes I deemed necessary are out of sight.
I've also turned milder, less inclined to want to fight for everything but taking it more seriously that I recycle, save water, keep the air clean. Because I'm leaving this world for people I love, including my darling Kayrin.
But wait. I've now also garnered enough insight into people and seen enough
to be paranoid over young giggly girls fawning all over, mmm, who else, the other half.
It gets pretty irritating because I know what it's like, having been there. Young ladies love having men pay them attention, even if the remarks are laced with sarcasm and sweet criticisms.
How can it be that a confident lady in her 30's go through such insecurities, I ask! Maddening, indeed.
May be it's because at 30's and beyond, no one hardly gives the ladies in this age category a second look. Men, on the other hand, garner more side glances when they're in their prime, the 30's.
For all the confidence I declare I have, may be I'm less sure about myself than I was in my 20's. How ironic.
No, that can't be! That isn't me. I will not let it go that way. With Kayrin and Shaw Feng, I'll celebrate life every day.

Show-House Tour

We spent Sunday morning checking out show houses in Bukit Jelutong and Denai Alam. Not truly a house-hunting trip. Kayrin loves looking at model homes, the kind encased in plastic and placed atop a table, with the roof peeled off. She simply likes staring at them. May be because they are toy-like?
For me, this trip was to exorcise the need to `upgrade' to a bigger home. As Shaw Feng pointed out, it's just the three of us + a maid, so not much of a need for a huge home. That, of course, brings me to the current need: To clean up the house and unpack the last of three boxes from our move from Singapore in March 2005! Well, guess if we aren't moving to a bigger house, we need to make space within our current one. That means I have to clear my wardrobe of lots of clothes too.
At least the current home is `mine, not yours or yours,' as Kayrin would loudly declare. It doesn't belong to any bank, for that I'm happy to say.

Missing You, Woan

Dear Woan,
We still miss you a lot. Some days, the pain of not having you around is less but some days, like yesterday and the day before, when we placed flowers at Nilai, it hits us really bad that you're not around with us. But it's OK, Woan, we know you're in a better place, a happier place, a more beautiful one. A place we all want to be in one day. We miss you so.

4-Going-on-10

The little girl pirouettes after class. This was the first week of January, 2007. Since then, she has refused to don her kindy uniform or be brought close to the kindy across the home.

Above: Kayrin flying kite at the playground in Bandar Kinrara.

Birthday Girl

Kayrin turned 4 on Sunday..and the little girl knew right away she was four. Some weeks back, she declared to daddy's colleague that she was 3, but will soon be 4, and then 10.
As all mommies will attest, it's hard to believe the baby born crying is now beyond being called a baby, or even a toddler. She's now a pre-schooler.
The day mommy had you, Kayrin, is forever in mommy's mind. Mommy and daddy went to East Shore Hospital, more nervous than the front we have put on. It was then a flurry of activities, with Dr. Koh Lam Son puncturing mommy's water bag, and then a lot of calls to him as he let us ponder choosing the C-section he recommended.

Best Compliment

Kayrin has gotten very clingy and weepy these days, especially in the mornings when I'm about to go to work. It gets very exasperating but I've been happy to note that I've kept my patience.
There are rewards of having a kid, though. The sound of laughter from Kayrin as I play hide and seek with her, the squeals of surprise as I pounce on her all are priceless. Also, no one pays you the kind of compliment your kid does!
Yesterday evening, Kayrin was sitting on her bed, flipping through her big book of 20th Century Children's Book Treasury, when she stated her demand for the day.

Kayrin: I want a new mommy.
me: Oh, and where are you going to find one? What are you doing with her?
Kayrin: I want a new mommy who looks like you and don't go to work.

That was so touching. It tugs at my heart strings that this little yet-to-be-four kid already knows what it's like to miss mommy.
When you grow up, my little darling, you may understand mommy's predicament. Mommy gives us the lifestyle we have, with God's grace, of course. And hopefully I'm a better mommy because I go to work.

Mommy doesn't love you any less for going to work.

More Than Once

Date: Jan. 18, 2007
Venue: Home

After dropping her half dozen pillows at the foot of the stairs, just before bedtime, Kayrin sought assitance.

Kayrin: Help, mommy, I dropped all my babies.
Me: Oh boy. OK, let me pick them up for you. Why do you have so many babies?
Kayrin: Because I got married many times.

Me: Did you go to school today?
Kayrin: No.
Me: Who not?
Kayrin: Because I'm too young. Young kids don't need to go to school.

A Learned Kid

Thursday, Jan. 4: Kayrin's second day at Sri Waja kindergarten. And she's all of 35 months old today!

Before class...
Mommy: Let's go to kindy, shall we?
Kayrin: No, I don't need to learn anything.

After tricking her into accompanying mommy to get her Chinese name written for the teacher, she got into her uniform and went across the road to kindy.
After class:
Mommy: So, darling, what did you learn today?
Kayrin: I learned everything!

Back Then

And back in March 2003, this was how the little lady looked like, at less than two months old. Mommy's baby's all grown up and is a pre-schooler now..even mommy can't believe it!

Blowing the Candle

Nowadays, we celebrate birthdays in the bedroom! Well, the only place we're family on our own. This was daddy's birthday in July 2006.

Kindergarten

Kayrin started on her first day at kindy today. Wow, what a milestone. Daddy accompanied her to Sri Waja, across the road from home. Literally a stone's throw away.
All my plans of sending her to a kindergarten down the road, up the hill, round the corner came to nothing. Goes to show that we can plan but only God knows what will come to fruition.
How wonderful that my little baby is now a pre-schooler. Daddy said she started singing "A-B-C" the alphabet song and then got the whole class singing along with her. What a leader!

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue
Come blow your horn
The sheep's in the meadow
The cow's in the corn

Where is the boy
Who looks after the sheep
He's under the haystack
Fast asleep

That nursery rhyme has been played continuously over a car journey, non-stop too, in the S40, and over and over again on the Bose Wave in the bedroom at bedtime on Kayrin's demand. She knows which track it is on the CD. Over the weekend, Shaw Feng skipped to Track 9 while driving, and the song `Rock a Bye Baby' came on. Kayrin promptly told daddy to "go back"a track. Sure stuns us that she knows where that track is on the CD. Ask her why she's so passionate about it, and her reply simply is: `It's my favourite.'
But, of course, my darling baby!

Kayrin and Cousin Ivan

Kayrin loves tagging after Ivan, and when on her own, will proudly declare that she has a cousin, and it's Cousin Ivan.
Ivan, on the other hand, seems to think a three-year old can be quite a pest if the three-year old persists in following him around!